Sunray Venus

Life is a series of tragedies. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. For the phone call. The people I love are like ghosts floating before my eyes. Here now, but gone soon. I try to remember every look and word. The little things I know I'll miss when they are gone. How long can things go on the same way? Not long. People die. Everyone dies. So everything hurts. I watch knowing that it is temporary. Everything is temporary.

I spent a few years wishing I would die. A quick and painless death. I'm in pain all the time. I've been sick for a long time, but now it's getting progressively worse; and it's hard to take. I prayed for death over and over. During one of my MRIs, I found out I have a small aneurism. That was interesting. It seemed that my prayers were being answered. Interesting. I wanted to die until the night I saw Jesus. Don't laugh. I know how it sounds. But once that happened, I stopped praying for death. It cured that in me. But it didn't cure me from seeing death all around me, from being constantly afraid of who is going to die next. Somebody has to. I'd rather it was me for purely selfish reasons. But I'm not praying for that anymore.

I'm like a shell. I see that now. I haven't enjoyed being alive in years. Why? When did I stop? I partied my 20s away. There were mistakes, and waste, but also fire and life. I felt the fire of life burning in me. Dancing, screaming, crying, laughing. I felt alive. Was I? I don't know. Feelings lie. I did stupid things and woke up in pain more than twice, more than a hundred times. So was that living? I wonder sometimes when it really ended. How do we go from being children who care about everything to adults who can't care about anything? Or do we do that? Or is it just me. How did I do that?

Too many broken dreams? No job no kids no relationship. Such a different life.

Jesus what am I supposed to do? How do I get back to living? The pain is constant and exhausting. The doctors say there's no cure for it. Is that true? Can you heal me? Will you? Do I believe you will? What is this suffering for? Can you heal my unbelief? Will you? Please?

I see a smiling dancing life in these shadows. I don't know how to find it.