If I could die without leaving a body behind I would choose that today

If I could die without leaving a body behind I would choose that today
I don't always want to die 
But the nightmares and pain 
Unrelenting shaking wracking shriveling 
I'm trying something new
For the past few months I've stopped fighting 
I haven't moved from this spot on the couch not even to shower or brush my teeth 
I've been on the edge of it for years but what pulls me back? Something
Obligation? Hope? Necessity? 
I don't know
Something scarier than the pain has taken over me
The pain has brought me to the place of wanting to end it but I fight the pain. 
I am not fighting this 
It doesn't seem fair to leave a body behind 
I wouldn't want to find the body of a person I love
I didn't like watching my grandfather turn into a body before my helpless eyes
It's too much to manage heavy and bloated bloody or blue it doesn't seem fair
I don't know what it is like to be dead
I have no guarantee it would be better
I do know what this is like though and don't know how much longer I can bear it
I don't want to leave the people who love me in my wake
But I am doing that already and it may be easier to not have to watch.
That's selfish? It is selfish to hurt others 
Is it selfish of them to want me to stay in a world that is torture to me every second of every day
I love my dog she is laying on me right now she feels it when I need her and she presses into me
She is my lifeline
It doesn't mean I love her more than everyone else just that her constant presence and palpable love keep me latched in to a world that has gone otherwise cold 
But I am not the only one who loves her 
If I died she'd be loved
She'd still have a good life
I'm curious about what happens 
I'd like to see how my nieces and nephews do in the world 
But there will always be little ones we will never get to know the fate of
My grandfather will never see what becomes of his great grandson
That's just the way it goes
I see his blue eyes so clearly there and then 
Gone
I was waiting for them to become a memory and now they are
The Grammys are on right now
I can not stand the bizarre false world of celebrity 
It congratulates itself so mightily for so little 
I am waiting
I have been waiting for months 
Waiting for the cold to pass 
I just decided to stop fighting
To stop trying
Pretending 
I just stopped 
It's not helping
I don't know if it will make it worse or if I'll be able to go back to pretending again once the waiting is over
My niece said she was so happy I was coming home but I'm
Not home and I haven't seen her
I guess I'll teach anyone to love me count on me or want me around
Finally
Will it make it easier when I die if I make everyone hate me while I am alive?
Is that why I am so miserable (nasty) sometimes?
Is it the long con part of my ultimate suicide plan
Or am I just a miserable person now?
Did the fun me melt away into this cacophony of incurable pain
I just started working with a healer two weeks ago
Maybe she got me just in time
I spent my life believing in everything knowing my cure was around the corner
I stopped believing that
But since working with her things are shifting things are diving down 
The seizures are way way up, nightly
My moods are a wilder pendulum than I can ever remember and the swings dizzyingly violent:
Laughing crying angry silly terrified
From joking and teasing to a monotone monster of meanness in the blink of an eye
I wake up not knowing who I'll be that day 
Not that I care
It's not bothering me either way
So am I moving backwards through time, energetically unwinding the madness, heartbreak, innocence, dreaming, wishing, betrayal, shock
Am I recovering from the lies and sickness from the sick manipulation and control
Am I in an epic battle for my soul or am I just dying
It will be interesting to look back and see
My healer says I am a healer
That was my dream once 
I don't know if I'll ever get there maybe I've gone too deep down the rabbit hole maybe I haven't 
I guess we'll see